the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
