I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
