JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
