If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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