Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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