Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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