How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Threesome in a minivan. New low
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize