Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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