if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
