we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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