sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
