"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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