Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
