Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
