the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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