i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
