Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize