never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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