I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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