I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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