I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
