I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
