Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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