I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
