My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
