You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
