So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
