shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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