i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
