There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize