I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
There's even glitter on my cock...
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