im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I have feelings that need drinking.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
