I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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