Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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