I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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