Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize