Someone shit on the floor
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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