Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
