It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
