You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
