he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
did you just send me my own nude
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