jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
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