Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
