Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
