the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
