When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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