Can i not drive my cunt home
You can't special order awesome
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
