My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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