I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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