Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
