who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
