How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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