my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
