Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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