I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Randomize
