Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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