OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
