I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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