i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
