I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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