It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
