My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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